


Without You Here

by raisedufromperdition



Series: Oneshots [2]
Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst, Domestic Dan Howell/Phil Lester, M/M, Off-screen death, Sad Dan Howell, Some Fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-18
Updated: 2021-03-18
Packaged: 2021-03-26 19:01:29
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,714
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30110571
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/raisedufromperdition/pseuds/raisedufromperdition
Summary: “I never thought losing you would be so hard,” Dan began, with a deep breath. He toyed with the strings of his grey hoodie, ignoring the stinging in his eyes.A story which consists of Dan talking to Phil’s grave and reflecting upon their life together.
Relationships: Dan Howell/Phil Lester
Series: Oneshots [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2215026
Comments: 8
Kudos: 15





	Without You Here

“I never thought losing you would be so hard,” Dan began, with a deep breath. He toyed with the strings of his grey hoodie, ignoring the stinging in his eyes. It was another bleak day in London; grey clouds were cast across the sky, on the constant verge of rain. Dan had thrown his hood up, partially to cover his messy hair and also as a preventative to the possible rain. “I mean, I knew it would be hard,” He continued, looking down at the green grass. “But I never knew how much it would fucking hurt.”

He sat in silence for another minute, contemplating why he was here, talking to Phil’s grave. It’s not like he could hear him, right? Dan never had a strong belief in the afterlife, although after Phil’s passing a little less than a month ago, he liked to wish he did. It would make losing him a little easier, knowing he was in a ‘better place.’ He stared at the words ‘PHIL LESTER’ engraved into the cold stone as tears rolled down his cheeks. They thought they had all the time in the world together; they never expected an accident to take Phil life’s so soon. But then again, who does?

Dan brushed his tears off his face and decided to look down at the yellow flowers he brought, instead: something bright to lighten the dull. “My family is worried, I haven’t been answering any of their calls lately. I know they’re trying to help, but I don’t want to talk to them. I only want to talk to you. So, that’s why I’m here -- to talk. Fuck, Phil, I miss you so much. Since we met, I haven’t gone this long without talking to you. It’s like there’s a giant hole in my chest that was ripped from me when I lost you.

“And everything reminds me of you; I can’t do anything without breaking down as memories flood over me. Sometimes it’s comforting and other times it feels like they’re killing me. You know, I woke up this morning, and for a moment I half expected you to be in the Kitchen already, drinking coffee and mixing your pancake batter, just like you would every Saturday morning. But then realization hit. And you know what I did?” Dan paused, a small smile on his face, as if he was waiting for Phil to respond.

“I got up, made some coffee and chocolate chip pancakes: just the way you like them. And for the first time I was okay. I smiled to myself, thinking back on all the Saturday mornings we spent like that, and all the times you tried to flip the pancakes in the air -- unsuccessfully, might I add. But then, I reached into the cupboard and grabbed two plates, and two forks and then I just froze, realizing you wouldn’t be joining me. And that’s when I lost it, Phil. I can’t go an hour without my heart breaking because you aren’t there.

“To be quite honest, I don’t know how I am going to live without you next to me. You’re the one who could always calm me down when I was having a bad day, or worrying about the inevitable. You are the one who would help me sleep at night, when I couldn’t shut my brain off. Now it’s just me, alone in the flat with a deafening silence. Everyone tells me it will get easier, and I hope it does. But I can promise you this, Phil: Not one day will go by, that I won’t think about you, and how much I love you.”

Dan couldn’t go on any longer without completely breaking down, so he stood up and gingerly placed the flowers next to Phil’s grave. He took one last look before trekking back to his car, to go back to his flat -- alone.

-

“I’m sorry it’s been so long,” Dan began, sitting cross-legged on the grass across from Phil’s resting place. “I decided to go back home for awhile, I thought it would be nice to be surrounded by family. You know how I can get after being alone with my thoughts for too long.” Dan paused at that, wondering where to begin, or even how he should do this.

“You know, on the train back to London, I kept thinking about some of my favorite memories of us together. My mum told me to focus on our happy memories, rather than the current situation, so I’ve been trying to do that lately. One of the things I thought back to was when I got sick with the flu last year, and you only left my side to make me some soup or get me some medicine. I told you not to, because I would only get you sick. But regardless of that, you stayed by my side and held me against you as we watched movies all day. And sure enough, two days later the roles were reversed.

“You were the one lying in our bed with the chills and a fever, and I was now taking care of you. We spent the whole week confined to our flat, watching movies and old reruns of our favorite shows. There’s something about that memory that makes me feel happy, and warm inside. At first I wasn’t sure what it was, but now I think I do -- it was that feeling of being cared for. We spent the entire time wrapped in each other’s arms as we waited out the flu and while I felt terrible, I was irrevocably happy. It’s the little things like that in life with you that I’ll really miss.”

Dan sighed and traced Phil’s name with his finger, a smile smile forming on his face. Like he said, life hadn’t gotten easier, but the pain from his loss was becoming more manageable. “I still miss you so much, and it’s the worst at night. Our bed feels so empty, and your pillow still smells like you. On nights when it’s really bad, I’ll close my eyes, hold your pillow close and I swear you’re next to me again.” He paused, taking a deep breath to steady himself.

“I’ve started using your shampoo recently, too. I know it sounds dumb but it’s the little things like your scent that I never want to forget. But anyway,” Dan said, clearing the lump out of his throat. “I’m really going to work on focusing on the good instead of the bad. I’ve always had a problem with that, you know that better than anybody. But I’m really going to try. I’m going to remember you and all of our great memories together. I love you Phil.”

-

Dan slammed his car door, and pulled his jacket tight against his body. It was a windy fall day, and the air had that chill in it, that warned you winter was coming. As he approached Phil’s grave, Dan carefully laid the flowers down he got for them -- this time they were a vibrant orange. Every time he stopped to buy flowers, he always picked the brightest ones they had; after all, that’s what Phil deserves.

“Hey Phil,” Dan said softly, sitting in his usual spot, across from his grave. “Thought it’d be nice to come see you and talk to you today. I hope wherever you are, if you can hear me, you’re doing okay and you’re happy. You of all people, deserve happiness. And I’m doing better. Each day is a little easier. It’s still painful to be without you, but I can manage the pain a little better now. I still miss you more than ever.

“I saw Chris and PJ last night. They’ve been helping me through this a lot lately, and it’s good for all three of us. It’s weird not to have you, and your borderline inappropriate jokes there with us,” Dan laughed at that, he loved Phil’s unique sense of humor. “I miss your laugh a lot, by the way. I miss the way it would start off quiet, like a chuckle, and then slowly build into something bigger and louder than that. God, I loved your laugh, I don’t think I told you that enough.

“Last time I was here, I told you about my mum’s advice I’ve decided to take, where I focus on the positives. Actually, that’s been helping a lot. When my sorrow starts to take over, I write. I write, and write and write. I nearly have a whole notebook filled with memories of us.” He grabbed the notebook, and thumbed through it, stopping about halfway through it.

“This one I wrote a few days ago. We had decided to actually go out for once on a Friday because PJ was having a party. I remember we got there, and there was people everywhere, feeling the buzz off their drinks. And you and I--” Dan laughed softly to himself. “Well, we were way too sober for this. So we grabbed a cup of that mystery punch which was absolutely disgusting, and neither of us could finish our cup.

“And that of course, made socializing all night that much harder. But then, you came up with one of your genius ideas. You dragged me into his kitchen, with a big smile on your face and your eyes had that glint to them. Your hand was wrapped around mine, and you grabbed a bottle of wine and led me to the bathroom. You locked the door behind us, and we ended up sitting in the bathtub, taking turns drinking out of the bottle and just talking. We always had a habit of leaving parties to be alone, but I always loved that.

“We stayed in there and talked and drank for nearly the whole night until we ended up passing out. What I loved the most, is that we didn’t even talk about anything of substance. You told me about your theory that aliens exist, and I just sat there smiling, in complete awe of you and how in love with you I was. The way your whole face would light up when you’d talk about something that you were passionate about. God, I loved that.” Dan paused, grinning for the first time in over two months.

“Even when you’re the reason I’m heartbroken, you’re the only one who can cheer me up,” He observed, chucking.

-

The weather continued to get colder as it neared the end of November. Dan trudged towards the grave, blue flowers in hand this time. His black winter jacket was zipped high, in attempts to block out the cold, and his hood was up. Small snowflakes drifted down, settling on the dry yellow grass, only to melt immediately after. Dan sat on the ground, as usual and set down the flowers.

“Happy Anniversary, Phil.” Dan sighed, looking down at his shoes as a gust of wind blew, stinging his exposed skin. But he didn’t care about the cold; all he cared about was Phil. “I meant to come here in October, to celebrate when we first met in person, but I couldn’t bring myself to. Instead I laid in our bed and watched your old videos the whole day. I know that’s no excuse, but I just couldn’t do it,” Dan’s voice cracked at that, and he wiped a tear away.

“But I’m here now. Last year we celebrated our Anniversary in Manchester, and now I’m celebrating it at a graveyard. It just makes losing you so much harder.” He paused once again, and leaned against the cold stone, closing his eyes.

“I started working back at BBC again, this last week was my first day back and I hated doing it by myself. One of the producers suggested they find me a new partner to do it with and you should’ve seen my face when they said that,” Dan laughed at that. “He looked like he was going to be sick. It feels good though, to get back in a routine -- staying busy gives me less time to be sad. I’ve been making a lot of videos lately, too. I haven’t uploaded any of them, though. It’s harder for me to feel like they’re adequate without you there to reassure me. But I think when I get home I might upload one -- I know that’s what you’d want me to do.

“Can you believe it’s already been seven years since we started dating, though? Well, almost seven years, at least. It doesn’t feel like it’s been that long, it went by really fast.” There was a moment of silence as Dan thought back over the years. He leaned his head against Phil’s name and wiped away a few more tears.

“I don’t know if me coming here does any good, or if you can hear me for that matter but I like it. It’s comforting to me, as if I’m talking to you once again. I hope you can hear me though,” Dan muttered and looked up at the sky. “And if you can, I love and miss you more than anything.”

-

“Merry Christmas, Phil,” Dan stated, placing bright red flowers on his grave. “I decided to come back from holiday early so I could spend part of Christmas with you, like we always do. Your mum actually invited me to come celebrate with them next week, which was wonderful of her. I think I’m going to go, too. It’d be nice to see your family, they’re dealing with your loss too so I think it’d be good for us.

“To be honest with you, I thought the holidays would be harder without you here. But then again, how often have we actually spent Christmas together? Normally we’re hours apart, but now, knowing that you aren’t hours away sucks. I don’t know how else to put it. I went to the store on the way here, and bought a Christmas cracker, because I know how much you love them.”

Dan grinned at that, and reached in his pocket, popped it open and emptied the contents, placing the flimsy yellow paper crown on Phil’s grave. He put the piece of candy in his mouth and reached for the joke. “Alright, brace yourself for a terrible pun,” He warned, unfolding the piece of paper. “Oh for fuck’s sake. What does Santa suffer from if he’s stuck in a chimney?” Dan paused, knowing if Phil could hear him he would be trying to guess. “Claustraphobic. Okay, that’s not the worst one we’ve had, I’ll give it a two and a half out of five.”

“Well anyway, I hope wherever you are, you’re having a good holiday. We’ll celebrate together again one day, I just know it. I’ll come back and see you soon.”

-

“Well, Happy Birthday Phil,” Dan announced, crouching next to the grave and laying a bouquet of a combination of bright colors on the grave. There was far too much snow for him to take his usual perch on the grass. “I hope you’re celebrating today, after all you’re thirty which makes you sound so old,” He joked. “Tonight, most of our friends and I are getting together to celebrate you and your life. We thought it’d be nice to all get together and celebrate how amazing you were, and wow I hate myself for making that terrible, unintentional pun.

“I also hate using past tense when I talk about you. Because even if you are gone, you’re still all of those things you were when you were alive. You’re still my best friend and my other half. You’re still the most incredible person I have ever met, and ever will meet. Nothing and no one will change that, I can promise you that.

“Your mum misses you like crazy, too,” Dan continued. “When I spent the week with them for holiday, her and I had a nice long chat about you, and how we’re coping. Going there helped a lot, actually. She suggested we do that every year, and I think I would like that. Martyn is doing well, too. I thought you’d want to know that.”

-

Soon the weather began to turn from bitterly cold to beautiful outside as the snow melted, unveiling green grass beneath it. Dan laid down vibrant sunflowers and sat on the grass once again. “It’s been awhile,” He said softly. “I’ve uh--moved out of London. I didn’t want to, to begin with. But after a lot of thinking, I thought it would be nice for a change of scenery. I’m trying so hard to get my life together again, and it’s so hard when everything I’m surrounded by when I wake up and go to sleep reminds me of you.

“So I sold our flat. It was tough at first, but it’s helped a lot. I kept your blue and green duvet though, and I ended up getting rid of mine. I still needed a reminder of you, and to be honest, it still kind of smells like you, too. I never want that scent to leave. I’m still working at BBC, in fact I have a regular show now, every day in the evening. You would love it, you really would. I still think of you, everyday by the way. The little things remind me of you, but instead of it bringing pain to me, I smile. I think I’m starting to heal.

“I don’t think I will ever fully heal, there will always be that part of me missing from when I lost you. But I know that everything will eventually be okay. I still have memories of you, and that’s better than nothing. Like I said nearly a year ago, I’m trying to focus on the positive.”

-

“Hey Phil,” Dan greeted, sitting on the soft grass. It had been nearly two years now, since his passing. With Dan moving out of London, it made it more difficult for him to come visit. Life had gotten busy, but that doesn’t mean he ever forgot about Phil. Everyday he thought about him, but unfortunately he was just unable to make it back as often as he wanted. “I got a haircut, it’s a little more edgy than I wanted, but I know you would like it a lot. Martyn is engaged now, too. I know you’d love to see how happy he is.

“Let’s see..this past year has been...eye opening. I’ve recently realized how short life is and that it can abruptly come to an end in an instant. So I’ve started living more in the moment. I’d rather you were still here, but I’m making sure to live life to the fullest, in your honor. I like to think that would make you happy.” There was a moment of silence and Dan picked at the grass.

It feels like it had been so long since he had come here, and coming back has brought up a lot of raw emotions that he had buried deep inside of him. His eyes strayed to the white flowers he brought today and he managed a smile. While time had passed, and things in life had changed, Phil was still a constant. He may not physically be there, in Dan’s life, but he could always come and talk to him and that was reassuring.

“I miss you more than I can put into words, Phil,” He muttered so quietly that it wouldn’t have been heard unless someone was listening closely.

And it’s a good thing Phil was.

-

Phil smiled when he saw Dan approaching his grave, with red flowers in hand. It was another beautiful summer day, the sun was shining, giving everything a warm glow and the grass was green and soft. No matter how busy Dan became, he always came back this time every year.

“Hi Phil,” Dan began, like usual. By this time, Phil knew the drill. Dan would catch him up on what was going on in his life, and in Phil’s family, which he loved. Last year he learned he had become an uncle and that Dan had earned a primetime slot at BBC, and he couldn’t be more happy for him.

“I should probably start off by telling you how adorable your niece is. She has the bluest eyes, and the biggest smile. She reminds me a lot of you, actually, and she’s always laughing. You would absolutely love her.” Phil smiled at that and took Dan’s word for it.

“As for me,” He continued, and Phil focused his attention back to Dan. He looked much older, his hair was shorter than last time, but he looked happy. “I met someone. I never thought I would, after I lost you. I mean, I never wanted to, either. But this guy -- he makes me feel alive and happy again. Don’t get me wrong, Phil, no one will ever make me as happy as you made me, and no one can ever compare. But I think this is my chance at happiness again.

“I think this is what you’d want me to do, anyway. And it’s already been six years since -- since you’ve passed. I’ve had a long chat with my mum and she thinks I’m ready too.” Dan’s breath hitched and he took in a deep breath.

Phil’s face split into a smile at the news. He’s been waiting for Dan to tell him that for years now. All he’s ever wanted in life - and in death - is for Dan to be happy. And it seems like he’s finally getting that chance again.

“Like I said, this will never change how I feel about you. Each and every day, I think about how I miss you and how happy you made me.” Dan rested his head in his hands, as grief overtook him and sobs racked through his body. “I love you Phil, and I always will.”

Phil smiled as his own eyes watered and sat next to Dan on the grass. “I love you too, bear and nothing will change that.”

Dan’s head shot up at that, unsure if he heard what he think he did, or whether that was just the wind.

He likes to think it wasn’t the wind.

**Author's Note:**

> So I decided to try a different type of writing, where the story consists mostly of dialogue in order to challenge myself, and this is what came out of it! At first I was unsure about it, but I've grown to love this one. Please let me know what you think!!


End file.
